18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
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When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
This guy must be getting annoyed by now