18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
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DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
i dont have time for this
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school