@callmeshitto: 18 years ago today, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum saved our country and our PLANET from an alien invasion. Never forget
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@BeardSpice: BOSS: I don't know if you're the right man for the job BAKER: NO PLEASE *holds up dough* I KNEAD THIS
@TheTrueDocLove: I'm bored I think I'll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
@bornmiserable: "Where do escalators come from?" "Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much..."
@tchrquotes: Wife: I'm going to grab some dinner, you want anything? Me: No thanks, I'm stuffed. Wife: Ok, I'm going to Taco... Me: I'll have 9 tacos.