I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
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NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
honestly, i need both:
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.