A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
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talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Bloody internet 😳
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.