Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
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4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
checking out some reviews of my local library
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.