Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
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5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic