[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
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[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Swedish for common sense.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?