Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
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Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
apparently this year was written by stephen king
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now