Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
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If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I am having an out of money experience.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?