1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
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Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you