18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.