[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
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[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson