A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
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I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.