19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
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Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused