1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
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Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.