[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
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[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic