[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
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I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
🤣
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.