My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
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Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*