Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
You Might Also Like
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Oh my God.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.