Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
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[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
A French press is when you hug naked
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
so weird how every mom was born today
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.