1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Close call…
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).