1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
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280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.