1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
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Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I have two kinds of followers
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.