1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
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Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful