1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Always a metermaid never a meter
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.