1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
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Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
How does one answer this?
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do đź‘‘
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Taliband
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I love it all