ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
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you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on