1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
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I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
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You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
the red hot silly peppers
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up