1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
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Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Perfect.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven