[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
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me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Ion see the issue
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.