I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
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My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice