Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
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Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight