[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
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Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Who wants to be my Valentine?
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
“Sheer Arrogance”
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.