@ericsshadow: WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn't have children ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

@tastefactory: Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.

@_coryrichardson: date: i really like your shirt me: thanks [remembers girls like bad boys] i stole it [remembers girls also like nice guys] from an old man i was helping walk across the street

@momma0315: My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

@JillianKarger: friend: you're not taking this chess game seriously me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!