[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
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Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
i- i did not expect this
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc