[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
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[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Well, this explains it:
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
i prefer mine room temperature.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead