[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
You Might Also Like
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.