Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
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I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
I hope they boil the right one.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition