I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
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WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Awesome parenting 😂
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?