I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
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Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.