1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
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Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Good Morning.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.