1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
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I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I wish I were this cool 😂
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from