1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
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ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no