1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
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The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit