1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
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Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
This could be us… but you playing
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.