Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
You Might Also Like
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
23. the denim jacket
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Husband of the year 😂
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely