[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
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I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.