[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
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Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I only eat vegetarians.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
“our sushi is very fresh”
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Feels like the fourth month in January
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I’m crying im so happy for them
*checks Timeline*…
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.