Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
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[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good