My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
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thinking about a very short hotdog
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.