Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
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wow
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….