[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
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Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink